


the capabilities of emotion

by hallwinter



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, PTSD, Stolen Century, in general just really bad mental health issues. they get better eventually, slowburn, two nerds being dense about their feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-03-18 01:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13671204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hallwinter/pseuds/hallwinter
Summary: don't fall in love, ever. you're basically digging your own grave.





	1. the first death

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for the angst on main. i love them so much

Love is the worst thing you can be in.

 

It’s unstable- a mass of gushy feelings, dreaming of holding ones hand and planting kisses on their cheek, staying up late unintentionally with your loved one on your mind, thinking you can work up the courage to tell them how you feel and then proceeding to do anything but that. You wouldn’t expect it to be that hard, but it is.

 

More than anything, it's  _ terrifying _ . 

 

An eternity spent with someone else is quite the overwhelming concept. For some people, for those in true,  _ unbreakable _ love- that’s all they could ever dream of. Through tough times, and even tougher times ahead of those, the people you surround yourself with will stick by your side through it all. For those who don’t know what they desire (see: everyone), it’s an ocean of unsurety. It’s impossible to be ready for what comes. But those people won’t leave you behind- not the destined ones, anyways. 

 

Maybe love isn't so bad. 

 

The thing that's  _ truly _ terrifying is falling in love in the first place.

 

This love starts peculiarly, as all love does- in a room by himself, clutching his heaving chest, trying and failing to avoid a panic attack. As one does.

 

Barry J. Bluejeans was not prepared for this mission at all. Well, nobody really was- this certain occurrence was out of the ordinary (and when he thinks “out of the ordinary,” he  _ REALLY _ means it.). At the time, this was the real end of the world. The place in the story where the status-quo breaks, AKA, the very first chapter. That's what scared him the most, the fact that this was far from over. At least, that's what he thought later on. Reality was falling apart for him at the moment. He was  _ not _ ready to die.

 

That was the mantra that repeated past his ringing ears so loudly- _ I don't want to die. I don't want to die.  _ He was far too young, not a month past 28. He still had a long life ahead of him.

 

But he doesn't know that.

 

He splashes water into his face after locking the bathroom door behind him, inhaling and exhaling at the best pace he’s able to. His reflection stares back; “ _ I hate you so much _ ,” he thinks. “ _ Calm down for one fucking second, please _ .  _ You stupid motherfucker _ .” His internal monologue usually doesn't help, except for this miraculous circumstance.

 

Patiently, he waits for the redness to fade from his eyes, waits for his hands to stop shaking so noticeably, before returning to his bedroom as fast as possible.

 

Among the many denim articles of clothing he had packed for this mission (it was originally intended to be a joke, to show off how much denim he wore, to pick fun at the namesake he had chosen. Now he had to stick with this brand for the rest of eternity.), he stuck a small leatherbound journal in the back of his drawer. It served one purpose and that purpose only- venting. It was a habit of his, even though he didn’t always keep up with it. When you spend most of your life alone, you learn to depend on yourself. Nobody else. Barry wasn’t going to ask for help when he knew everyone else was suffering the same pain, more or less.

 

At the top of the page, where he usually puts in the date, he writes frantically: “ _ The End _ .”

 

“ _I've actually forgotten what day it was. Check later. Point is: I have lost everything._ We _have lost everything._ _So we’re basically homeless now. Well, we have this ship. But this is only gonna last so long. I wish I could go back to little 12-year-old me and tell him his nightmares about dying in space are coming true and that he needs to cancel his plans for the future and do something else. At least that way, I’d have a painless execution during the apocalypse, right?_

 

_ Well. Maybe that’s not a very good thing to tell myself.  _

 

_ I hope everyone else is doing better than I am. _ ”

 

-

 

This love starts with blank eyes and standing catatonic in the middle of the hall, holding her brother’s hand.

 

Lup is a resourceful woman. She and her brother didn’t graduate at the top of their class to be discouraged by one simple miscalculation, right?

 

Well, simple miscalculation is putting it lightly. She may have freaked out  _ just _ a little bit when an incomprehensible void-beast consumed their  _ entire fucking home planet _ in one bite. Her hand reaches to her forehead- was she always this sweaty? She doesn’t stop staring out the window at the empty black abyss.

 

“Ohhh, shit. Oh shit. Fuck.” Lup muttered.

 

“Yeah. That’ll do it.” Taako replied.

 

“Taako. What the  _ hell _ do we do now?”

 

He shrugged. “Guess we just gotta chill in space now.”

 

Lup doesn’t want to say she’s freaking out, but she absolutely is. “Holy shit. I didn’t sign up for this, Taako. We didn’t go through all that school to be plummeted into the fucking void- Taako, everything is  _ gone _ ! It’s gone forever! I-I-I can’t do this, I’m gonna go crazy on this ship with a bunch of strangers I just met two days ago, I’m-”

 

Taako planted his hands on her shoulders, looking her right in her panic-filled, frenzied eyes. “Lulu. You’re being a little hysterical.”

 

“Don’t tell me I’m overreacting. Because I’m fucking  _ not _ .”

 

He shook his head. “No, no- you’re, you’re fine. You’re just, uh, overthinking a little bit. Just a bit. Listen, like, this is fucked, and we’re probably gonna die eventually one way or another, but like- We  _ got this _ , Lulu. I promise you.”

 

Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. “You do?”

 

“Yeah, ‘course I do. Let’s, uh, go take some deep breaths, calm down for a hot sec, ‘n we’ll come out when the Cap’ says somethin’. Alright?”

 

In that moment, Lup was still wary, despite the look that Taako gave her- the one he made when things got really bad and they both needed comfort. She was the only person who ever saw that side of him.

 

Lup inhaled deeply, breathing out with an open mouth. “Okay. Let’s do that then.”

 

-

 

The Starblaster is quiet for a long time. Not a single soul on the crew felt brave enough to venture into the main corridors, each too stressed under the pressure of just having their homes destroyed for good. Everyone they ever looked up to, everything they ever loved and discussed, every piece of art and every hot meal after a long day and every laugh shared with a friend. 

 

Gone.

 

That didn’t mean they had to give up hope. In fact, deep within all of them, there was a feeling of new beginnings. They’d start over from the top, build a new and better life. To change.

 

Imagine the way they felt when their Captain announced that the planet they had landed on had no people on it whatsoever. 

 

“What?!” Lup exclaimed, holding herself back from yelling.

 

“Do I need to repeat myself?” Davenport raised an eyebrow.

 

Her head shakes rapidly. “No, no, no. I heard you.”

 

“What do you suppose we do?” Lucretia called from her seat on the couch, journal in hand.

 

“We’re going to do as anyone would do. We follow the mission protocol even if we have to bend the rules.”

 

The way he held himself astounded the crew- he was so calm under pressure, although stern and intimidating, commanding with convincing force and diction. Meanwhile, the rest of them suffered.

 

Magnus stood proudly. “So, what’s the plan!”

 

-

 

So they were heading out in teams. 

 

Barry should've considered there would be a lot of teamwork on this mission- that's what it said on the application. He knew exactly what he was heading into, and yet, the mere idea of working together with them on the field made his stomach churn and his voice go quiet. He just had to deal with it.

 

The captain assigned him and the twins to go off and research- it was mostly their idea. Barry was chosen to come along for his note taking abilities. If this was going to be like any other group project he was in, he knew most of the work had to be done by himself. Needless to say, he wasn't very excited.

 

“Y'know, this place isn't all that bad.” Lup says, body stretched out over the tall, uncut grass. She had dragged them all out here, hoping to get some work done, but ended up gazing at the clouds in frustration instead. Her methods to try and catch the group of mongoose in this area just didn't seem to follow through.

 

“Yeah, it’s, uh, it’s real chill, actually.”

 

Lup tilted her head up slightly. “What about you, uh, Barry, was it? What do you think?”

 

He’s caught off guard for a second, hitched breath nearly making his glasses slide off his face. “Oh! Uhh… it's… alright.”

 

“You sound kinda hesitant.”

 

“Uh, sorry.”

 

“Sorry for what?”

 

Barry's face hides in his robes. “Nothing.”

 

Lup's laugh is bubbly, kinda like the sound a soda makes when you crack open the can, one that shakes her whole body and makes tears well up at the edges of her eyelashes. Of course, he’s heard it before- their first meeting a couple days ago was chock-full of jokes coming from her direction, and she laughed along with everyone else. It was a nice laugh, Barry thought. He should say funny things to her more often.

 

But that was the thing- he hadn't said anything funny. Lup was straight up making fun of him. He didn't take personal offense, though, he was more than used to this. He simply buried his face in his notebook, trying to distract himself.

 

Taako sighed, leaning back into the grass. “Say, that cloud looks like a fuckin’... just a real big horse.”

 

“Bullshit it does, that's a deer.” Lup said, lifting her head up.

 

Barry let his hand stop writing. “No, if anything it’s an elk.”

 

The twins tilted their heads simultaneously, a quirk Barry had somehow expected and yet was struck with an imminent fear when he saw it in action, and then proceeded to nod in agreement.

 

“You know much about animals, Bar?”

 

His eyes narrowed; they had only known each other for so long and she already coined him a nickname. Charming, but somehow uncomfortable. “Uh… not really, I mean, I minored in biology but that wasn’t really the main focus,” Barry unknowingly lets himself ramble, despite previously being made fun of in front of a huge crowd for it. “I’m more into the, uh, the necromantic arts and stuff? I’ve always found the natural flow of life and death to be interesting, although not quite as interesting as the, um, the sort of aspects we studied at the academy- the whole reason I got picked is for my proficiency in understanding magic sciences and basic astronomy, and-”

 

“Oh, god. You’re such a nerd.” Lup smirked, not laughing, but a small giggle tugged at her cheeks and rumbled in her chest. 

 

“Mm.” He pressed his lips into a thin line, irritated, and goes back to writing nonsense.

 

“Hey, lighten up, man.” She patted his shoulder a little harder than expected. “Just teasing ya. No biggie.”

 

Barry classically adjusts his glasses. “Alright.”

 

“Don't take it to heart, I guess. Unless you want to. Which you  _ totally _ can.” There was that bubbly laugh again.

 

Lup got up, brushing off her leggings. “Let’s go back to the ship ‘n and tell them how much we procrastinated, huh?” She continued to navigate herself ahead of him and Taako, pushing apart the taller grass as she went.

 

Taako nudged Barry's shoulder. “Don't tell her I said this but, uh, I think she likes you, my dude.”

 

He squinted, more confused than ever. “What, like in a crush way…?” 

 

“No, stupid! Like she wants to hang with you.” Taako then ran ahead to catch up with his sister, leaving Barry in the hypothetical dust.

 

“Alright, I can roll with that.” He said to no one.

 

-

 

The first evening eating together wasn't as bad as they thought. Rather, it was quite nice. Even though the crewmembers hadn't exactly been picked for their ability to coordinate (they were picked for their unique skills and they all knew it), they got along quite well, never starting arguments over anything stupid, other than the playful ones the twins had, and generally being able to hold a conversation well.

 

Albeit, it was awkward at first. Everyone was required to wait at the table before dinner was ready- a new rule set by the captain, and without the twins and their jubilant sense of humor, good conversations were hard to come by.

 

“So!” Magnus starts, raising an eyebrow. “Are you guys, uh, doing okay?”

 

“I’m fine.” Lucretia said. Her voice is quiet and sweet, like the gentle wing flaps of an elegant butterfly in the spring.

 

“Eh. Could be better.” Merle grumbled.

 

Barry tucked a lock of hair behind his ear- to no avail, however- it was too short to stay put. “I’m fine, too.”

 

“I’m glad you're all holding up well.” the captain spoke, as if he wasn't under any sort of pressure at all. Barry admired how well he kept his cool.

 

“DINNER’S READY, BITCHES!” Lup called from the kitchen. Taako paced in shortly after, a steaming pot in his fragile yet calloused hands, setting it on the table. Lup follows, this time with a tray of heavenly buttered rolls.

 

With a wave of his crystalline speckled wand, a stack of bowls unfolds and each one is placed in a seat for each party member.

 

“French onion soup, baby!” Taako announces in his elven drawl of a voice. “Dig in!”

 

-

 

Lup falls backwards onto Taako’s bed, relishing in the comfort, exhaling a deep breath she had held in for this moment. In that day, she had almost forgotten about their whole dilemma- though it still made her chest feel tight if she was reminded, and she was handed a  _ lot _ of reminders. 

 

Taako shoved her over, making room for himself. “Get your own bed.” he joked. He didn't mind Lup’s company, he never did. If anything, it would be weird  _ not _ sleeping together.

 

“You’ll have to kill me first, bro.” She challenged.

 

Taako chuckled, crawling under the covers. Lup did the same. They did a lot of the same things.

 

The lights flickered off lazily, leaving them in total darkness. That didn't matter much to them, though. Darkvision was a wonderful perk.

 

Taako rolled over, facing Lup, intertwining their fingers together over and over. She knew this helped him ease his nerves, and he knew she was eager to help him out anytime. His expression loosened. That forced smile he had kept up was gone, the bags under his eyes seemingly getting larger. Lup noticed, she always did.

 

“What’s eating you, Taak?” She said in her most comforting whisper.

 

“Everything is really fucked right now, Lulu.” He replies bluntly.

 

“Well, shit. Yeah, you got me there.”

 

He half-smiles. “Mm. I do, don't I?”

 

“You sure do.” Lup takes a moment to push the hair out of Taako’s face. His ear twitches when her hand brushes up against it. “You think it's gonna be a bad night?”

 

The expression he gives in return says “ _ yes _ .”

 

“It’ll be okay, I'm right here with you. Got that?”

 

He nods, and leans into her for a hug, which she graciously returns.

 

They fell asleep easily- or at least, Lup assumed Taako did. The rising and falling of his chest was slow enough and the way his ears flicked back and forth indicated he was dreaming. Lup, on the other hand, was restless.

 

It’s not that she wasn’t tired, because she definitely was, but everytime she closed her eyes she saw that same horrible vision of her home being consumed by that… thing. Whatever it was. She made a mental note to herself to come up with a name for it later, when she had the processing capabilities. Right now, she needed to get up and abound.

 

Untangling herself carefully so as not to wake her sleeping brother, she pulls the covers up over him, and tiptoes into the living room down the hall. The lamp in the corner is on, which she found peculiar, since Davenport specified all lights were to be off after 10:00 sharp. It was 3:00 in the morning, however, so it would make sense that he hadn’t awoken to such a small thing. Sitting in the heavily pillowed windowsill was Barry, hugging blankets close to his chest, staring absently out the window.

 

Lup put a hand on her hip and cleared her throat, to which he jumped back to reality and snapped his head back to look at her.

 

“Wh-what are you doing up?” He asked, eyes flitting left and right. He looked much more exhausted without his glasses.

 

“I was gonna ask the same to you.” She whispered.

 

Barry squinted in her direction, like he was having trouble telling if there was actually a person where Lup stood. “Uhh… is that… Lup?”

 

She tilted her head, giggling. “Yeah? What’s the matter, am I too far away?”

 

“Yeah, a little bit. I can’t see a goddamn thing.”

 

“How could you tell it was me?” Lup inquired, leaning her hip against the doorframe, refusing to come closer. “Like, uh, what gave it away?”

 

“Well, for one, uh, the way you talk is a lot different than Taako. Secondly, your… hair? It’s darker than his.”

 

“Oh, well, forgive me for not keeping up a bleaching schedule like he does.” She waved her hand dismissively.

 

“Um… anyways. Are you gonna leave or…?”

 

“What?” Lup suddenly remembered what they were talking about in the first place. “Oh, wait, you never answered my question.”

 

“Can’t sleep.” Barry said, straight and to the point. Lup liked that about him, he never bullshitted his way around things.

 

“Me neither.”

 

He scooted over awkwardly. “Uh, you wanna just chat for a bit then?”

 

She shrugged, making her way over to the nook, and sitting down next to him. Boundaries of personal space were clearly established. This spot had a nice view of the jungle beyond them, and you could just barely hear the crickets chirping among the grass.

 

“So…” Lup started. “What’s goin’ on in that nerd brain of yours?”

 

He made an “ _ I don’t know _ ” sound, staring back out the window.

 

“You’re great at conversations, y’know that?” She joked, maybe a little too harshly.

 

“I’m just tired. Sorry.”

 

“Oh no, I get that. I dunno why I said that, actually.”

 

Barry smiled- a gentle smile, one that only lasted for a second, one that you’d miss if you blinked. “It’s fine. Um… how have you been… feeling?”

 

“I’m doing alright.” Lup lied. “How ‘bout you?”

 

“If I’m being honest, not great. Lots going on lately. I don’t know how everyone is so good at hiding it.”

 

Lup opened her mouth to say something, but couldn’t find the words. It was an unnerving experience to be with someone other than Taako and let them be open about their emotions, to not hide anything. That was something she’d only experienced with her twin until now. She was almost scared that Barry felt comfortable enough around her to just expose himself like that. Vulnerability was something elves didn’t take pride in. They hid it as best they could, making them near impossible to read.

 

Now she had a choice to make- come clean and reciprocate those feelings of safety, or keep up the act. She chose a secret third option; humor.

 

“It is kinda hard, huh? Well, we better keep it up, our problems will be willed away in no time!”

 

He giggled, hiding his mouth behind his hand, cheeks becoming rosier. “Oh my god.” His laugh was the dorkiest thing she’d ever heard and she loved it.

 

“Alright, we should seriously be getting to sleep. It’s so fuckin’ late.” 

 

“Mm, okay, you have fun then.” Barry called quietly as she walked out of the living room.

 

“I meant you too, asshole. Go get in bed or I’ll tell Cap’n’port you were out here.” She threatened. The sound of him scrambling to get out of the blankets and pillows was heard soon after. 

 

Before going back to her room, she reached into the medicine cabinet, taking one benadryl for herself and leaving one on the counter for Barry. She didn’t say goodnight when she returned to her bedroom, but she figured that would suffice.

 

-

 

By the end of the year, nearly everyone had grown out of their comfort zones. It took time, but eventually, they all considered each other close friends. They figured it wouldn't be long before they became family.

 

It was late afternoon, most of the crew was still outside save for a few. Lucretia flipped through the pages of her journal with one thumb, going back every page until she reached the beginning. 

 

“Look,” she pointed, and Lup examined. “It’s the one year anniversary since we left.”

 

“Huh. That’s cool. I didn't even notice how long we've been here.”

 

“Yeah. I didn't either.” She closed the book, sealing the lock. 

 

Lup put her hands behind her head and looked out towards the window. “Hm. Hey, Luc-”

 

“What's up?”

 

“You notice how cloudy its been lately? Like it's not even stormy, it's just… gray.” Her eyes moved back and forth. Magnus, Taako, Merle, and Barry weren't far off, playing frisbee with some wild animals.

 

Lucretia tilted her head. “Yeah… that is a little strange. I bet it's clearer elsewhere.”

 

“Do you think we should-”

 

Lup was cut off by a loud rumbling, and then a crash, as if a meteor had struck the ground. The ship trembled in its wake, causing the girls to lose balance.

 

“Holy SHIT- what the hell was that?!” Lup darted to the main deck upstairs, Lucretia close behind.

 

One by one, more tremors came, and they saw its source on the horizon ahead. Giant pillars of black ooze descending from the sky, shadows pouring out of them by the multitudes, illuminated by the faint shards of multicolored light.

 

“What do we do?” Lucretia panicked. 

 

Lup climbed on top of the railing, not looking back. “You go below decks, I'll get everyone else.” and she jumped.

 

Sticking her landing, she ran- blasting shadows one by one to clear a path.

 

“HEY, C’MON, WE GOTTA FUCKIN’ GO!”

 

They had already started running towards the ship, but Lup made the way there easier. Spells fired off constantly from everyone.

 

They made it to the ship safely, Merle treating the few minor wounds he could find on anyone. Davenport readied the engine.

 

“Everyone here?” He called from the cockpit.

 

Lucretia did a headcount, before a realization dawned on her, her face going cold. “Where’s Magnus?”

 

“Aw, fuck.” Taako rushed towards the door, but Merle held him back.

 

“You’ll get killed if you go out there, bud.”

 

“You're- you're a fuckin' cleric,  _ and _ we have a necromancer-”

 

Barry raised a hand. “I’m not gonna raise you from the dead, Taako.”

 

“Whatever. I am going the fuck out there if it means we die. Mission protocol says we leave no one behind.  _ No one _ .”

 

“...we?”

 

“Lup’s coming with me.”

 

“Damn right I am.” She crossed her arms.

 

“Since when do you care so much about ol’ Maggie, anyways?” Merle asked, eyebrow raised. “He can hold his own pretty well.”

 

“I’m-” Taako fumbled. “I’m doing this for Lup, okay? Get off my ass.”

 

The bond engine rumbled, and they felt the ship lifting off the ground. 

 

Lup made her way towards the cockpit. “Hey, wait, we can't just- we can't just leave him down there! He’ll die alone!”

 

Davenport didn't respond, he simply turned the wheel strategically to weave the ship around the falling tendrils.

 

Lup has never screamed louder as the ship passed through a threshold and everything went white.

 

They blink, and not a moment passed before they realized they were back on the main deck. 

 

“...What. The fuck. Just happened.” said a dazed Magnus.

 

Lup made a beeline towards him “MAGGIE!”

 

They toppled to the floor, and conversations began to stir. Magnus was crowded.

 

“Wait, wait, just hold on a second-” He pushed himself up, leaning against the railing. “I… I just died, you guys.”

 

Lup went pale, along with the rest of them. “Wh- What?”

 

“Yeah, um…” He wrung his hands together, shaking. “I got stabbed, like, through the chest.”

 

Lucretia covered her mouth. 

 

“But uh! I’m fine now! ‘Cept for this black eye- hold on a fucking second.”

 

Barry clicked his pen over and over again, quicker than he should be able to. “Hm. Hmmm. This is really strange.”

 

“Uh, yeah?” Magnus replied.

 

Barry stared at Taako, who had his arms crossed and didn't bother joining in amongst their crowd. “Taako, roll up your sleeve.”

 

He did, hesitantly. “Okay sure, why?”

 

“You- you had a gash right there before we left. It’s gone.”

 

Taako’s eyes were the size of both of the suns. “What the fuck.”

 

“I know.”


	2. the question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an investigation, a gathering, and a rest.

After deciding that they were going to get to the bottom of this, they landed on the next planet. It was similar to home, with its five moons and large forests and cities that pierced the skyline. 

This time around, they were welcomed by humans and elves and dwarves and all sorts of other people, a nice breather after being stuck someplace without people to talk to. Their leader spoke to them warmly and celebrated their arrival, much to their joy. The crew’s first day there was a time off day. Captain’s orders.

For Barry, however, this was anything but time off. With Magnus’ sudden claim, and Barry’s specific interest in death, he was restless and more than curious. This was the start of a whole new mystery to solve, and he loved mysteries more than anything else. 

“Magnus?” Barry asked, knocking on his bedroom door. The sound of old video games was faint, before he heard a loud sigh and the game stopped.

“What is it?” Magnus opened the door.

He clicked his pen yet again- nervous habit, he supposed. “I got some questions to ask you, do you… mind coming into the lab for a second?”

Magnus groaned, eying his infinitely messy room. “Fine.”

“I promise, it's not gonna take long.” Barry lied.

The lab was not yet cluttered, but it soon would be, judging from Barry’s usual routine with this sort of thing. It was somewhat of an extension from the medbay- there was a doorway on the leftmost wall that led into it. 

They both sit down in identical rolling chairs- the other was usually for Lup, as they were assigned to be assistants to each other. Hers was much more battered and worn, and his frequently fashioned blankets and jackets on the back.

“So,” Barry said, putting fingers to his lips inquisitively. “Tell me about it.”

“...About what, my death?”

“Yes, that. Gimme, uh, details, y'know?”

“Man, I knew you were a necromancer but I didn't think you'd be weird about it.”

“It’s not weird! I just wanna know how death feels like! It’s for science.”

“Uh-huh.” Magnus sat up. “Okay, so like, I got stabbed, yeah? ‘N it hurt like a motherfucker, but before I knew it I couldn't… feel anything. It was just dark and I wasn't aware of anything.”

His hand moved like frantically as he wrote everything down. “Anything else?”

“I… Okay, this is gonna sound weird, but I felt like I was… being pulled back together by light or some shit?”

“Yeah, that's really weird.” He scratched in a couple extra notes. “I’ve never seen anything like that before. I felt it too.”

“Wack.” Magnus leaned back in his chair.

“Do you think it has something to do with that whole… um, like when we left and the threshold between planes was all… fizzy? And then we were pulled apart and back together a billion times over…?”

“I mean, that’s kinda obvious.”

“Yeah, no, I figured… Don’t really know why I brought it up, I’m just answering my own questions here…” Barry contemplated. He now had at least three things that he knew for sure: one, the barrier between planes had something to do with it, two, they can come back from death, and three, everyone gets reformed. Clicking his pen again, he draws a star on the back of his hand as a reminder to do some time calculations later to check if their situation keeps a consistent schedule.

“So, uh…” Magnus anxiously shifted in his seat. “Can I like… leave?”

Barry stared at him, lips pressed in a thin line. “Yeah, sure. I got work to do.”

“Uh… don’t you think you should take it easy? Cap’n’port says we’re on time off for a few days.”

“It’s fine! I like doing this.”

Magnus folded his arms. “Are you disobeying the Captain’s orders?” he said “captain” with diction so sharp it could cut glass.

Sweat protruded from the back of his neck. “Uhhhh…”

“That’s what I thought.” He gave Barry a look that said ‘I’m watching you,’ and left out the door. “Come out, we’re gonna play fantasy uno!”

He hesitated, but he got up. Magnus was growing on him in a weird sort of brotherly way. Barry’s never had siblings, nor did he really understand how you were supposed to act around them, but it came easy with Magnus. He liked that feeling of having a family again.

The rest of the crew was gathered around the coffee table in the living room, abandoning seats on the couch in favor of kneeling on the ground (except Lucretia, apparently. She seemed to prefer a comfortable seat.). Lup waved enthusiastically. 

“Hey! What’s up, nerd!”

“Great seeing you too.” He sat down in between Taako and Magnus while Merle dealt him cards. He noticed that Taako and Lup sat together at every chance they got- that made sense, they were twins that grew up alone together. They were practically joined at the hip.

The game lasted about half an hour, mostly because Magnus continuously kept pulling out cards from the wrong games and switching the rules every move, which was funny at first but gradually became more annoying the more he did it. The twins still laughed every time. Their afternoon was almost entirely going through the games they had brought with them until they had played every single one and noticed the sun had started going down.

He thought it was over at that point as he settled into bed, falling asleep after about an hour of tossing and turning. But he was wrong.

In the early hours of morning when the sun had much more to go before it rose, something nudged his shoulder passively until he woke up.

“Fuck- what time is it?” He groaned, turning over to read his clock.

Lup kept nudging him. She had a towel slung over her nearly bare shoulders. “C’mon, we’re going swimming!”

“Wh- it’s so early-”

“So?” She laughed, pulling his blanket off much to his annoyance. “Everyone’s gonna be there. ‘Cept the captain and Merle. It’ll be fun!”

“Ugh.” He said as a got up. “Fine. I’m not getting in the water, though.”

Lup was already pulling his arm out the door, grinning ear to ear and giggling incessantly. 

A little short of a mile outside the ship was a cove- the water glowed a neon tealish-blue color from the crystals embedded into the rocks surrounding it. Aside from that, it was clear as water could be, and smelled just as fresh. Barry kept to his promises and stuck to the small bit of sand and misplaced rock on the edge of the water. Lup jumped in, splashing the unfortunate trio that waded on the other side.

“Ack!” Lucretia yelped, but laughed soon after. “You!”

“Took you long enough to come back, Lulu.” Taako picked at his longer than average nails. 

Lup ran her hands through her now thoroughly wet, slick hair, pushing it out of her face. “Sorry for taking my sweet time,” she called him a name in elvish, one that Barry assumed was derogatory or teasing in some way based on Taako’s reaction. Magnus cackled as the twins began yelling at each other in their language and splashing water everywhere.

“Note to self:” Barry thought, “learn how to speak elvish.”

The sky looked beautiful this time of night, especially in the spot they were currently at. Five moons varying in size, color, and placement in the heavens shone down upon the cove, illuminating the crystals with a brilliant light, outshining every star the speckled the vast darkness above. He wished he brought his camera, but he knew it wouldn’t bring justice to the real thing. This was something to be kept in his memory exclusively. It was going to be sad to see this place go.

Barry sat silently admiring both the scenery and the jubilant laughter from the other four. They all seemed close; closer than he was to any of them, anyways. He shifted, feeling a fluttering feeling in his chest. There weren’t many things that he wanted more than a closeness like that. When he was younger, Barry was told he was sensitive; that he cared for others more than himself, and one day it was going to be his fatal weakness. He took those words to heart and never stopped thinking about it, even now, almost a decade later. Then, he didn’t even have many to care about. But now he had six whole new people to grow along with and god knows how many worlds to watch die. Sometimes it made him feel sick.

Taako waded up near the sand where Barry was sitting, then sat down with his legs still in the water. “What’cha doin’ here, nerd boy?”

“Just thinking.” He curled up with his knees to his chest.

“Thinkin’ about what?”

He blanked. He wasn’t really thinking, per se, rather just dazing off. “Uh… I dunno. Just… lots of things.”

Taako shot him a classic smirk. “Calculating the stars or some shit, eh?”

“No.”

“Are you, uh, gonna get in here or just sit there like some creep?”

“Mm… probably not. Water kinda scares me.” Barry recounted every bad dream he’s had about drowning.

“Why’d you even come?” Taako asked disappointedly.

Barry shrugged. “Didn’t wanna say no to Lup, I guess? Not gonna lie, she’s a little intimidating.”

“Damn right she is.”

As if on cue, Lup jumped out of the water near Taako. “Hey!” Barry tried to hide the fact that he did, indeed, get surprised by her appearance. 

“O-oh, Hey, Lup.”

“What’s cookin’, sis? I was just talkin’ to lameass over here about you.” 

Lup wrung out her hair despite it only being long enough to brush her shoulders. “Oh? What’s up, Barold?”

He opened his mouth to ask her not to call him that, but he knew she didn’t care. “Nothing much.”

“Damn, I really thought you were gonna come to your senses ‘n swim with us, but I guess not.”

Barry held up his hands defensively, nervously. “I’d really rather just talk, if that’s alright.”

“Can you swim?”

“Y-yeah!” He lied, voice coming out a little louder than expected. “I-I mean, yeah. It’s- it’s just been a while, y’know?”

Taako looked Lup in the eyes. “He’s scared of water.”

“Oh my god.”

Barry glared at Taako. “Hey!”

“No, oh my god- I get it, dude.” She spoke softer. “I was like that too, as a kid at least. Terrified the shit out of me.”

Taako half-groaned, wading back to the others, like he was hoping to have yet another chance to make fun of Barry until Lup stepped in and made it personal. “Whatever.” 

-

“Alright,” Davenport said a few mornings after. “So we have the Light of Creation again.”

Everyone else, as usual, was exhausted, but this morning moreso. The entirety of yesterday and deep into the night hours was somewhat of a scavenger hunt for the seven of them, hot in pursuit of the aforementioned Light of Creation. Nobody had gotten much sleep, still haunted by aching muscles. Lup especially- she had earned herself a large gash in the palm of her hand after swinging on a particularly rough branch. “Never again,” she thought. Deep down she knew she wouldn’t learn.

“So uh, what does this mean for us?” Merle replied.

“I’m not entirely sure.” He looked towards Lup and her nearly passed out accomplice. “Have you two found anything yet?”

She grimaced at the thought of trying to do research at her current level of awareness. “No.”

“I guess that settles it.” He clapped his hands together. “Better get to work then!”

All of them groaned loudly, some less awake than others.

“Uh, Cap’n’port?” Magnus raised his hand weakly.

Davenport sighed. “Yes, Burnsides?”

“Don’t you think we should like… I dunno, get some more sleep? We were up literally all night.” 

He hesitated, but eventually gave in. “Alright, meeting dismissed. Everyone get some sleep, be ready first thing tomorrow morning.”

And with that, relief swept the room. Nobody bothered to get up off the couch, however.

Lup counted each second as she dozed off- a habit she had picked up from her lifetime spent on the road with Taako. Nearly every night would be spent taking shifts. One twin would sleep for about 2000 seconds, the other keeping watch, and then they would switch off until morning. It obviously wasn’t healthy, and to this day both of them still had a messed up sleep schedule, but it got the job done. As their grandfather would tell them: “If you ain’t dead, you done a good job.”

She entertained herself in the meantime. Her counting was a background tick, dreams were the next priority. She was floating on a small raft in an endless river, gentle waves tossing beneath her, carrying her forward to nowhere. The sky was purple and held two glorious suns. She choked when she noticed. It hadn’t hit her quite yet that her home was truly gone- she had been upset at first, yes, but with the mission came many distractions. 

Her counting had neared the 20-thousands when her body decided to wake up. She was still sleepy, creases of fabric marked her skin where she had lied still, and the room was the kind of dark you only saw after long naps in the afternoon before the sun had gone down. A few things were unfamiliar though: one, everyone else had long since left, two, there was a warm blanket draped over her that she hadn't seen before, and three, someone had fallen asleep on her chest.

“Fuck,” she whispered. “Dude, get up.”

Barry blinked, breath hitching when he realized the situation. “Oh, shit.” He sat up abruptly, taking the blanket with him. “I'm- I’m so sorry, I don't know how that happened.”

Lup stretched as she got up. “Let’s just agree to never talk about this, okay?”

Much to their dismay, they could hear the sound of soft snickering from beyond the doorway. Barry turned bright red along with Lup.

“Hey fuckers, I can hear you.” She called, and the laughter stopped immediately.


	3. shared trauma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two friends share a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for drowning/asphyxiation (only a small bit)

Before she knows it, it’s cycle six and they're hardly any closer to finding an answer. The stress is aggravating; Lup is one restless night away from pulling her hair out. And that restless night, apparently, was tonight. Just another of many in the past, and many to come. 

 

“Okay,” Lup starts, she's spinning her chair aimlessly and chewing a pencil (if it could even be considered a pencil anymore). She takes a deep breath- something lingers on the tip of her tongue, a single drop of honey from the bottom of the jar, the breakthrough they've been looking for. But it doesn't come. “Yeah, no, I got nothing.” 

 

Barry groans and buries his head in his hands, hunched over a very cluttered desk. “I fucking hate this.”

 

Lup interrupts him by standing up without warning. She’d had enough of this for today. “I’m getting the hell outta here.”

 

“‘Kay. Got it.”

 

She glanced back- he still had his fingers crawling through the messy waves of his hair. “You, go to bed or I'll cast sleep on you. Right now.”

 

Grumbling, he got up as well, as if his limbs weighed ten tons and he was trying to swim through molasses. He looked like a disaster: dark bags loitered beneath his eyes, glasses askew, and he looked like he hadn't showered in days. Or slept.

 

“Jesus.” Lup whispered to herself. “Yeah, ok, you go do that.” Her attention flicked to the clock on the wall. “Aw shit, it’s 10:00 AM.”

 

“Perfect.”

 

Lup slumped back down in her chair, exhaling a loud sigh, resisting the temptation to throw every sheet of paper off her desk in an fit of frustration. Her notes, largely incoherent, couldn't hold a candle to the mess that her associate had collected. The associate in question had fallen asleep standing up, a blanket draped over his shoulders.

 

A loud knock sounded behind the door. “You guys in there?”

 

Barry shook himself awake. “Huh? What?” He said, out of breath.

 

Magnus opened the door joyfully. “Hey! We- oh, you guys look like shit. No offense.”

 

“None taken.” Barry grumbled. “I’m going to bed.”

 

Lup, regrettably, stood back up. “What do you need, Mag-a-roonie?”

 

“Oh, uhh…” He moved out of the way as Barry walked through the doorway behind him. “Me and Taako are going out to get the light, he wanted to know if you were up for it.”

 

She shrugged, hands on her hips. “Alright. Can’t go wrong there.” 

 

“Cool! C’mon, we're leaving right now.”

 

-

 

The cities of this planet were far different from the ones back home. Lup and her red-jacketed brothers stood out wildly against the dull browns and greens that the townsfolk decorated themselves in. It reminded her of the kingdoms in older times, when kings and queens still existed, and people were dropping like flies left and right from any given sickness. She, to them, was a saint, a deity perhaps. The three of them walked with pride.

 

“Where is the light, anyways?” Taako asked.

 

“It’s uhh… somewhere in this area, I'm sure.”

 

They came across some sort of town center where the roads parted into a large clearing, banners hung from rooftops connecting to a large and elegant fountain sitting in the center. It was livelier here- a local band played jolly tunes in the corner that many danced to, conversations bubbled between couples and groups of friends, children ran about playing ridiculous fantasies.

 

“Mango, I’m not sure it’d be out here.” Lup whispered in his ear.

 

“Just trust me.” He whispered back.

 

His eyes followed the crowd, bouncing over heads, until they lead themselves into a far-off alleyway. “This way!” Before the twins had any time to protest, he was already well on his way there.

 

Lo and behold, the feeling Magnus described as “craveability” was more present than usual there. The light, however, was nowhere to be found. Only a group of shady individuals lurking in the darkness. Lup, trusting her gut, immediately starting walking back, only stopping when another thug cut her off. 

 

“What're you folks up to, now?” One drawled.

 

“Uh, n-nothin’, we swear.” Magnus stuttered.

 

Another flipped their hair up, revealing an eye patch. “You don't look like yer from here, huh? That right?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, we got, like, shit to do?”

 

The one behind Lup brandished a knife. Lup brandished her fist and swung it.

 

“Oh, fuck-” eyepatch whispered. “You wanna play dirty now?”

 

“Fucking hell- Yeah, fine. Whatever.” Taako’s hands lit with purple flames, mostly just for show. 

 

“What are you guys doing?! We gotta get the thing!”

 

Lup kicked the knife-wielder in the chest, sending him flying up against the brick wall. “Sorry. They started it.”

 

The first one dug up a wand from his sleeve. “And we’ll end it, too.”

 

Magnus didn't think. He just ran.

 

Behind him, there was a light brighter than any he’d ever seen, and the tell-tale sound of an explosion. 

 

-

 

Barry woke up disappointed. Which was unusual, he normally didn't. He was quite used to sleeping and waking up alone. This time just felt… wrong. Mostly empty.

 

His room was dark and time felt like a thick soup that he’d been wading in for too long. And, to make matters worse, he’d only been asleep for something less of an hour. He had no other choice but to get up and hope sleep comes later.

 

In every late afternoon came the feeling of wasted time; no matter how much you thought you got done, the setting sun always made you feel guilty for not sending your day doing something more meaningful. But it was fine, Barry thought, because he needed the rest anyways. He poured himself a cup of coffee despite it.

 

Magnus, not soon after, came bounding in with a heaving chest and panicked eyes.

 

“Uh, hey man, you good?” The answer was clearly a no, but he thought he’d ask anyways.

 

“Th-the twins, they-” Magnus took a moment to collect himself. “They’re both dead. They’re  _ dead _ , Barry.”

 

It didn’t hit him at that moment. Barry, half-awake and unsure of how connected he was to reality, simply nodded. To Magnus it probably looked like he went through every stage of grief at once and settled at acceptance in less than a second. Which was more or less worrying. He continued drifting, limbs feeling like static under non-existent blankets, with a mind that refused to focus.

 

“I’m- I’m gonna go talk to the c-captain.” Magnus said to himself, and off he went.

 

The next day was tiresome. They’d never lost someone so early in the year, nevermind more than one person, and losing the twins hurt especially hard. They were a light of sorts, a beacon of hope that shined amongst the crew. They knew how to keep up a conversation, how to make someone laugh even if they swore they’d never smile, knew how to make someone feel at home. “ _ The twins  _ were _ home _ ,” Barry thought. Before that point, he never realized how close they really were and how much he needed them around him.

 

Lucretia sat down next to him in the late evening; the kitchen was unusually empty, but they had to get used to it. A smile tugged at her cheeks, gentle and looking for comfort, eyes aglow with stars. Barry, on the other hand, was yet again disconnected from reality. He had been for a few days. He didn’t know when it would catch up to him.

 

“What are you, um… working on?” She took a quick glance at his notes, all of which were scattered and incomprehensible to anyone but him (and maybe Lup).

 

“Light… stuff.” He mumbled. 

 

“Are you any closer to figuring this stuff out?”

  
“No.” 

 

Lucretia took a deep breath, chest heaving outwards. The smile remained. “I… figure you're not taking their deaths too well then, huh?”

 

He blinked a couple times, as if this was news to him. “What?”

 

She appeared deeply uncomfortable- sort of sad as well, like she pitied him. “Oh, honey.”

 

“Um, I’m sorry?” 

 

It seemed she didn't bother elaborating. She just looked on with the same downtrodden expression, hesitating to get out of her seat. It appeared to him that everyone’s usual attitude had been thrown off course, including him (though he didn’t notice until now), all equally and deeply affected by the deaths of the twins. They hadn’t even bothered to say anything about the light after that, too. It didn’t matter anymore.

 

“ _ Maybe this world deserves it for taking them from us _ .” Barry quickly pushed that thought to the back of his head. “ _ No, it's not like that. You can't blame everyone. _ ”

 

Lucretia led her eyes back towards him. “You look like you’ve been trying to say something for a couple minutes. Is there something on your mind?” her voice was hushed, sympathetic.

 

He took a quick glance back at her. “I’ve been told I tend to live inside my head sometimes.”

 

“Me too.” She hummed gently, leaning her head on his shoulder, her short curls brushing up against his cheek. They’d grown accustomed to this sort of intimacy lately. “I miss them.”

 

He wrapped a tired arm around her. “I forgot they were even gone.”

 

“How so?”

 

“I dunno, it just… this year doesn’t feel real to me, you know?”

 

“I think maybe you just need some more sleep.”

 

Tears welled up in his eyes, though he didn’t feel like crying. To be emotionally open at a moment like this was like tearing a new wound in raw flesh, letting blood out onto the floor and staining it with your pain. And it hurt like hell.

 

Lucretia looked up, seeing his vulnerability, then lifted her head up. “Go to bed. I’ll be in here if you need anything.”

 

-

 

Lup is greeted by an unusual sensation when she comes to. Her body, for a time, felt wrong, dissolved in the sands of space. In that time, everything became dark and cold. It’s disorienting yet satisfying when the threads of her body are suddenly pulled back together in the snap of a finger.

 

Blinking, she steadied herself. Her balance was thrown off course. “Whoa. What the fuck just happened-”

 

“Ah, so that's what that feels like.” Taako said, holding Lup’s hand- whether it was a comforting gesture for himself or for her was up for debate.

 

Step two was a big group hug- the crew breathed a collective sigh of relief as they did so, thankful that the ship would be barren no longer. Taako expressed immediate discomfort, but Lup relished in the warmth the hug brought to them.

 

“Wow, you guys sure missed me.” Lup exclaimed. She could tell that at least three of them were holding back tears. Maybe all of them.

 

“Oh, it was so quiet without you two.” Lucretia wiped her eyes. 

 

“Let’s change that then, huh?” Lup broke away from the crowd, as did her brother, and skipped below decks to the kitchen. “Magnus, get the fucking popcorn kernels, let’s get this shit rolling!”

 

Now that she was back, she had the ability to comprehend her own death. Although she wouldn’t admit it, the whole ordeal was fucking her up mentally, leaving her with no concept on how to cope. 

 

Lup remembered the first time she ever saw somebody die; she and Taako were but 30 years old, practically babies in contrast to the centuries-long lifespan they were destined to carry out. There was a few months where they lived with their Aunt Sage, a kind but stern woman that Lup always looked up to. She thought they’d live together forever and had no concept of the passage of time. She recalled the sudden paleness that washed over her face one morning, body as still as the brick walls that held the house together. She never got closure, nor an explanation, but as time went on, she grew to understand it more. The idea of change had never crossed her mind; she was so used to permanence back then. Now things never seemed to stop changing.

 

Now, she had been the one to pass. It had happened so fast, yet felt like slow-motion- a burning pain ruptured throughout her whole body, a light brighter than any star blinding her eyes, and the moment that followed: an endless abyss of darkness, shrouding every feeling.

 

Something nudged her as she poured the now cooked popcorn into a bowl Magnus had set out for her. Curiously, she peeked over her shoulder.

 

“Hey,” Barry muttered. “Uh, it’s been quiet without you and Taako.”

 

“You missed me?” Lup chuckled.

 

“A little bit, yeah.”

 

Finger ablaze, she melted half a stick of butter and drizzled it over the bowl. “ _ I missed you too _ .” She didn't say. 

 

“You better have.” She teased, giving way for a little laughter from the two of them.

 

-

 

“ _ Cycle Thirteen _ ,” Lup wrote at the top of her page. “ _ I think I may be developing feelings. Which is rough, I’m supposed to be an emotionless badass traveling through the universe; but when I’m around everyone here, it makes my heart feel good. Is that normal? _ ”

 

Her door swung open and a six-foot-tall shadow stepped in, collapsing on her bed. He exhaled loudly.

 

“What’s up?”

 

“Me ‘n the dudes chased around some fuckin’ goblins for like, an hour.” Taako said, voice muffled beneath the sheets.

 

“Why…?” Lup closed her journal.

 

“They have the light.”

 

“Yikes.”

 

“God, I know. What are you doin’ in here?”

 

“Writing slash-reader fanfiction, what do you fucking think?” She said in an overtly sarcastic tone. “No, I’m just thinking about stuff.”

 

Taako sat up, propping his chin on his hands. A devilish smirk licked across his lips. “Like what?”

 

“God, no, you’re gonna make fun of me.”

 

“Oh, now you  _ have _ to tell me!” He perched up, scrambling towards the headboard where Lup rested her back on, trying to grab her journal like a kid stealing candy. Lup, of course, wasn’t going to make it that easy for him.

 

“Fuck off!” She yelled, laughing. They wrestled for a bit, arms tangling up in each other, but eventually it calmed.

 

“Okay, fine, I give up-” Lup fixed her posture back against the headboard and pushed Taako off of her. “I… I think these guys are really growing on me.”

 

He raised an eyebrow suspiciously, lips pursed. “How so…?”

 

“Just…” She sighed, peering upwards. “I dunno! I feel like they’re family or some dumb shit like that!”

 

“Damn,” Taako’s ears sunk slightly, laying at a near horizontal angle at the sides of his head. “You’re a sap.”

 

“Don’t call me out, I swear to god.”

 

-

 

Magnus was the team’s designated “you go into the dark and creepy room first” guy. Which, to be fair, he often did himself a lot of the time. Regardless, they still made him do it in every situation.

 

This planet was practically a wasteland. According to the few scavengers they’ve managed to talk to; this world was previously flung into global warfare, and any that didn’t manage to make it into their bomb shelters were obliterated, and if you weren’t, you might as well be. What remains of society is vigilantes and thieves, and the occasional mutated monster that could hardly be considered human anymore. Overall, though, the people they’ve met were rather friendly and empathetic. Which is why a group of them decided to help lead the crew to the light of creation.

 

Unfortunately, this was where Magnus came in. Being not only the largest out of both teams, he was also the strongest and most willing to put himself at risk, since he knew he would be coming back eventually. But that didn’t negate his fear.

 

He took a shaking step forward with one foot, patting the ground gently to make sure it was stable before breathing a sigh of relief. The cliff they walked on was chock-full of cracks and poisonous spores, not to mention the various loose rocks that could fall at any moment. The high risk required the crew to leave someone behind on the ship just in case- Merle had volunteered. 

 

The head vigilante- a stout woman with a scarred eye that called herself Lee- paced quietly behind Magnus with patient feet, and her movement could only be described as ninja-like. It was no wonder she was in charge of her group, even though there were only three of them put together.

 

Magnus stopped suddenly, staring off the edge of the cliff. He didn’t dare continue. Lup nearly bumped into Taako, who certainly would’ve killed her for pushing him off.

 

“Hey, what’s the hold-up, big guy?” She called impatiently. 

 

“Uh- a bit of a, um, situation-”

 

“Spit it out.” Taako folded his arms.

 

“There’s a big downhill slope here.” He gestured, nudging his toes nervously over the ledge where it dropped at an incredibly steep incline.

 

“Ah,” Taako whispered. “Shit.”

 

Another vigilante spoke up, the one who called herself Lanie. “You folks can take it from here. There’s a cave openin’ at the end of the slope, can’t miss it. The Light’ll be down there for sure.”

 

Lup decided to take matters into her own hands, pushing forward carefully, easing along the rocky walls behind them. “I’ll go first.”

 

Barry tried his best not to look over the edge. “W-wait, be careful-”

 

“I got this, don’t worry about it.” She smirked, bracing her legs, then crouched down as she slid down the gravel, keeping a steady balance all the way down until her boots made impact with a small puddle at the mouth of the cave.

 

“It’s all cool! Come down!” She called, her voice bouncing off the ravine walls.

 

One by one, each member of the crew slid down as best they could, the vigilantes that came along letting them pass by while they headed back to their camp. Once everyone was down, Magnus took the lead again.

 

The cave was a remarkable sight- the water went up to their ankles, and occasionally more dripped from the stalactites above- those of which were teeming with crystals. Lup, with stars twinkling in her irises, wished she brought a camera to capture the beauty before her. But all she could do was gaze with her mouth agape.

 

As they traversed the cave, they came upon a large, clear area with several tunnels splitting off of it.

 

“Well!” Magnus exclaimed, stopping in his tracks. “What do we do now?”

 

Davenport eyed each entrance like he was scrolling through thumbnails of Fantasy Netflix. “We should split.”

 

“What!” Barry pushed Taako to the side as he stepped forward. “We- that’s dangerous! We should just go in each one-”

 

“-and we can afford to risk ourselves.” Lup announced. “Lee said the burrowing monsters come up in an hour, yeah? If we want to stay safe, we gotta cover as much ground as possible a-s-a-p.”

 

Davenport glared. “Don’t speak over your captain. But, yes, you’re correct. Team up, me and Lucretia will take the far left.”

 

Lup already had a firm grip on Barry’s arm, almost digging her nails into his shirt. “I’ll go with Barold!”

 

“I’m your fucking brother, why not me?”

 

“We need to hang out more! Also, this is only going to take like two minutes. Promise.”

 

“Fuckin’.....” Taako muttered under his breath and held onto Magnus’ arm. “Fine. Whatever. Me ‘n Maggie are a team now.”

 

Magnus pumped a victory fist in the air. “Hell yeah!”

 

Each path was, to say the least, cramped. Lup obviously didn't mind physical contact; in fact, she relished in it, but she could tell when others were uncomfortable, and she did her best to stay in her lane. Unfortunately, that proved to be little harder this time around. Which just made it uncomfortable for everyone involved. Luckily it was just the two of them.

 

And they had been walking for a long-ass time; so long that Lup thought she was going to lose her mind. It felt like decades had passed and they hadn't said a single word to each other.

 

So she broke the silence.

 

“So… um…”

 

“Hm?” He perked up.

 

“You wanna get lunch later at that old diner we passed on the way here? Locals tell me it's a great stop.”

 

“Oh, um,” he fidgets with the cuff of his sleeve while he steps over sharp rocks. “Yeah, that sounds alright.”

 

She waits for another opportune moment. “Do you like it here?”

 

“No, not particularly,” he picks up the hem of his robe, stepping into a large puddle. “I mean, it sure is… something. I think it’s interesting.”

 

“Yeah?” She looked over at him, then back at the ground. “Me too.”

 

The once narrow path widened into a dark, cavernous area where a waterfall flowed from a hole at the ceiling. The sky wasn’t visible, however, light still shone through it, giving them a way to investigate at least some parts of the cavern.

 

“Holy shit,” Lup muttered. “This place is huge.”

 

“You said it,” Barry finished. He seemed equally fascinated with their surroundings. Lup noticed this; he liked to look deeper into things, being naturally inquisitive and easily curious. She knew the way his eyes light up whenever he found the start of something different, something new. She knew the way he bit his nails and hummed when he needed to figure something out. She knew him like they were childhood friends and they always had been, and Barry probably felt the same.

 

After all, thirteen years is quite a long time in the short scheme of things.

 

Barry waded in the now knee height water to the cavern walls, tracing his finger over cracks in the rock and squinting at it. 

 

“Uh, is something wrong?”

 

A deep, low rumbling sound shook the ground beneath them; Lup almost fell over. 

 

“Shit!” Barry backed away quickly. “Fuck! How long have we been down here?”

 

“I don’t know!” Lup yelled, panicked. The rumbling got louder, the shaking got stronger, and along with that, rocks began to break and fall. She thought her heart was going to burst out of her chest at the rate is was beating at. Her eyes raced around the room, looking for a safe spot.

 

“There!” She pointed to a small hidden area carved into the wall across the room. Grabbing Barry’s arm, they ran to it, huddling close with their backs against the rocks, waiting for the tremors to pass. Boulders crashed into the water ahead of them and splashed into their faces.

 

“Fuck-” Lup covered her face with her arms, advising Barry to do the same. But, soon enough, they were succumbed into darkness. “Uh oh.”

 

The water kept rising.

 

“Wait, wait, wait-” Barry said, breathlessly, trying to tear away at the rocks blocking them off. “No no no no-”

 

Lup did her best to assist him, despite the difficulty. “Aw shit! We’re stuck!”

 

Barry had his head held in his hands. She could see his shoulders shaking, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

 

“Hey, hey, calm- Don’t panic, we’re gonna make it out,” Lup placed a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Fuck, fuck, I can’t-” His voice cracked. “We’re gonna die.”

 

“No. I won’t let that happen.” She said sternly. With her free hand, she threw a blazing fist at the boulders. They wouldn’t budge.

 

“I told you, it’s hopeless,” he sounded like he was on the verge of tears (or already crying).

 

There really wasn’t much they could do here but wait it out, and even then, they were running out of time. Lup breathed heavy as the water rose up to her chest.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said, defeated. “It’ll be okay. We’ll come back, right?”

 

Barry didn’t answer, because he was preoccupied with the whole panic attack thing. Just another example of his emotional vulnerability and Lup’s ability to hide hers. She gazed sympathetically at him as he tried to collect himself.

 

“I’m scared,” he whispered. His body was trembling.

 

“I know,” Lup remembers Taako telling her about Barry’s fear of water. “I am too.”

 

“I- I used to have dreams of drowning. I still do.”

 

Lup was at a loss for words, but she understood. At least the shaking had stopped, and the only prominent noise was the water filling their hiding place and the heavy breathing of them both. It was a quiet moment amidst the stress.

 

“Dying sounds painful.”

 

Lup let out a light chuckle, more nervous than anything else. “So I’ve heard.” The water was almost to her shoulders.

 

“Lup…” Barry made eye contact with her and,  _ god _ , he looked so terrified. She couldn’t blame him, she felt the same way. “If-  _ when _ we die, I want to die together.”

 

Lup gave him the most reassuring look she could manage and took ahold of his hand. Their eyes met, each full of uncertainty, but fear most prominently, but just in that moment- there was a sliver of safety.

 

-

 

When Barry is pulled back together by those ever-familiar threads, he takes in a deep gulp of air as if he’d been holding it for too long. Death had been one of his worst experiences by far. There was nothing darker and disorienting and  _ painful _ than being disconnected from your own body and not being aware of it for a long stretch of time. Then again, his concept of time was severely fucked up by now. Everyone’s was. For now, he was too out of it to recall the details.

 

Lup looked at him from her spot on the deck, and he looked back. There was something in their faces that said something; they now held a secret together, a moment just for the two of them to know. A stronger bond. Although the entire crew shared a bond like that, he felt it more prominently with Lup, like their experiences outshined the collective ones of the crew.

 

After the weepy hugs that had been exchanged to welcome them back, Barry didn’t say very much for the rest of the day. If he were to be honest, he didn’t really think much either. A single memory replayed itself like a broken VHS tape in his mind- the dark dampness of that cavern, the trembling ground, the water filling his lungs until they burned. Then the infinite shadow of death. Then again, and again, and again, and again. It didn’t stop until someone was concerned.

 

“Hallwinter.” Davenport’s voice commanded. 

 

Barry snapped out of his trance to look up at him from his position on the windowsill, huddled in a multitude of blankets. “Yes, Captain?” His back straightened.

 

He raised an eyebrow. “Is something wrong?”

 

“N-no, Captain. Everything’s fine.” He tried his best to hide the break in his voice.

 

Davenport huffed. “Don’t lie to your captain, Barry. Understood?” He said it in a way that sounded stern yet comforting.

 

Barry, however, lowered his voice and broke eye contact. “Yes. Sorry.” Shame welled in his gut.

 

“You know you’re not in trouble, right?”

 

He opened his mouth to say something, but only air came out. He wasn’t quite sure why he lied; he was fairly used to being open to others. There was something about the captain that felt different to him. Maybe he just had a distrust in authority figures.

 

Davenport patted Barry’s shoulder. “I’ll ask you this one more time- is there something wrong?”

 

“I dunno,” he mumbled unintelligibly. “I feel like I’m… somewhere else.”

 

“How so?” Davenport sat down next to him.

 

Barry’s breathing was unsteady. “Like… I’m not in my body. Nothing makes sense anymore. Time is too fast and too slow.”

 

“You might need to see Merle for that.” He stood back up with a grunt, and made his way out of the living room. “In the meantime, take care of yourself. You know I have high expectations for all of you.”


	4. the year spent alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> love is tragic. it destroys.

The next world was kinder to them. It was somewhat of a forested paradise- mountains covered in green as far as the eye could see, peaceful and friendly creatures frolicking about the woods; although unfamiliar (but then again, almost everything was unfamiliar now). Lup relished in this peace, holding it close to her heart; she was glad to take a break from the chaos that had recently wracked her life. The sun washed over her skin as it set over the horizon- beaming, warm, golden like fresh honey. She still wasn’t used to the sky being blue in favor of purple.

 

The grass beneath her hand was soft and plush, well taken care of by nature. She wished every world was like this. After being deprived of her home, she thought she deserved at least some form of peace afterwards, instead of a constant rolling-of-the-dice, gambling at random to see how well they would be treated. In all honesty, that part of the mission only made it more stressful, despite all the calm worlds they might come across.

 

Taako sat down in the empty spot next to her, curling his hand over hers gently. She took no notice, only kept her eyes on the horizon, her violet eyes gleaming under the burning light ahead.

 

“Hey,” he said. 

 

“Hey.”

 

“You okay?”

 

She swallowed. “I guess.”

 

“Death ain’t fun, huh?”

 

She shook her head, exhaustion dragging it slowly. There was that vision again- water, trembling, asphyxiation. Anything but life. Then the light bringing her together again. Over, and over, and over.

 

“Did it hurt?” Taako whispered. Lup was the only one to see him bare such a caring, sympathetic expression. She always had been.

 

“A little bit,” she answered. “The drowning part hurt. The dying didn’t feel like anything.”

 

“Just… nothing?”

 

“Yeah. Empty.”

 

Taako nodded, curling his fingers tighter. “I missed you,” he said, after a long moment of silence. The sun had just gone down, giving way for a cold breeze to brush through Lup’s hair, and turning the sky into a desaturated blue.

 

“Me too,” Lup stood up, bringing Taako with her. “C’mon. Let’s go make dinner.”

 

-

 

Sleep did not come to her, even after her multitude of attempts. Her eyes burned, begging for her to lie down and close them, but the tossing and turning would not cease for even a second. She was not usually the type to have nightmares. Apparently, that had changed.

 

Lup pulled on a sweatshirt that she wasn’t quite sure to whom it belonged and headed into the lab- which, of course, is a disaster. Scientists are not usually the organized type. The light was on, buzzing with electricity. She had to squint to see anything without hurting her still-tired eyes.

 

“Hello?” she called.

 

Barry rolled out into her field of view on his swivel chair with a book in hand (well, book is generalizing it; it looked more like an ancient tome of some sort). He looked wide awake, but not in a good way. It’s the way that tells you he had been up for days, neglecting self care in favor of work or some other activity, burning the candle on both ends. To put it simply, he looked crazed.

 

“Uh, what are you doing up?” Lup asked.

 

“What are  _ you _ doing up?” Barry replied, voice raspy.

 

“Okay, fair, uh…” She took a gander around the lab; it smelled like an abandoned hospital. That was typical, at least some of the times, for Barry’s general aura to reek of death and clinical settings. The odd thing was, she’d never even seen him working with cadavers or anything of the sort that would make him smell like that. When the captain informed her that there was going to be a necromancer on their team, she had been expecting a lifeless and evil being dressed in a cloak; not a dorky, chubby man in his late 20’s that reanimated dead lizards for fun. He was, perhaps, the least threatening person Lup had ever met, and he showed it. 

 

“Well, I can’t sleep, and you’re the only person who’d be awake at this godforsaken hour, so…”

 

He nodded, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “I could use some, uh, company.”

 

Lup plopped down into her chair and spun around lazily. “What’cha readin’ there?”

 

“Oh! Um,” he showed her the book’s cover; it was green and brown and foreboding, as if he’d stolen it from the depths of an old temple crawling with snakes. “It’s, ah… this is a really old study on the more complicated aspects of, uh, necromancy. I was just thinking about the- the bond engine and how it, like… rebirths us, sorta?”

 

Lup nodded and pressed her lips into a thin line. 

 

“So,” he continued, “I thought it would be beneficial to our studies if we just… looked into it, yeah?”

 

“Yeah, that sounds right,” she twirled around some more. “How long have you been studying this sort of thing, just wondering?”

 

He tucked some hair behind his ear sheepishly. “A long time. I, um, originally got interested in the studies of life after many of my family members, uh, p-passed- passed away, but, uh, it sorta became a thing. I’ve been invested in this stuff since I was… what, like, 14? 15, maybe?”

 

Her eyes widened. “Geez, that is a long time.”

 

“I know.”

 

“So, obviously you’re qualified for this shit- are you onto any revelations?”

 

“Not yet,” he stared at his notes. “I’m close, I just know it.”

 

Lup admired him when he was determined about something. His eyes would seemingly not rest until they found an answer, his brows pressing down just slightly, and his lips pouted, almost frustrated. He was… just beautiful. Lup found herself staring, mesmerized. He’d put her in some kind of trance just by looking away from her. She bit her lip, unaware of herself. 

 

“...uh, you good, Lup?” 

 

Lup snapped out of it, flustered. “Sorry. Was I spacing out?”

 

“Y-yeah,” he nodded. “Yeah, a little bit. I think we- I think we both need to get some rest soon.”

 

“Now’s not the time, Bluejeans,” she said, patting him on the shoulder roughly. “Lemme see those notes.”

 

“Uh, yeah, yeah, okay,” Barry pulled closer to his desk, Lup following behind. There were well-drawn, intricate diagrams of the bond engine, along with other tech from aboard the ship, labeled carefully as if he’d studied them for days at a time. She was in awe.

 

His fingers were careful handling the notes; she got the impression that he didn’t want to do so much as accidentally crease a paper. 

 

“So, here,” he pointed to a center spot in the bond engine, “is the reactor core, basically what powers like, 60 to 70 percent of it, and from what I’ve found, it’s sorta like… feeding off of us, essentially? N-not in a bad way, I know how that sounded- um, so, this is what saved our recorded states, correct?”

 

Lup nodded, recalling their discussion a few years earlier. As he continued talking, she began spacing out again, feeling a warmth in her chest, curiosity pumping from her heart. She was unsure what this feeling was, exactly; it wasn’t annoyance, that was for sure. It was something else. Something she hadn’t felt this strongly before, and something she hadn't felt in a very, very long time. That feeling was driving her crazy.

 

Halfway through his muddled rambling, Barry stared back at Lup, cutting her off of her trance once again. He, however seemed to be locked in the same position as her, trapped in an endless sea of eye contact. Lup’s world faded away, and this moment was all she knew. She suddenly noticed the blueness of his eyes; dark like a midnight ocean underneath a crystal moon. There was nothing left to do but wonder what he saw in her eyes- unnatural in color, but not mystical by any means. She felt the purple-blue color of her irises were rather dull compared to most elven eyes.

 

“What are we…” Barry whispered half-coherently.

 

“I don’t know,” Lup answered. “But I think I like this.”

 

He tore his eyes away, clearing his throat. His cheeks were flushed with red. “Um, okay, I’m gonna head to bed. You?”

 

“Me too.”

 

-

 

“On your left, Taako!” Lucretia yelled, casting a quick shield over herself as she ran to better cover.

 

Taako, without any hesitation, lifted his arm up in an underhand throwing motion, swinging it upwards, raising up a spiky trail of miscellaneous crystals from the ground like it was nothing. If Barry was counting (which he wasn’t, the moment was far too stressful), he’d say that the crystals punctured at least five golems, those of which were now hanging lifeless above the ground, impaled through wherever Taako managed to hit them.

 

They were surrounded on nearly all sides. Fights like this were typically uncommon, as most worlds they’ve encountered have been relatively peaceful- but this one was filled with warlocks of all sorts, raising their armies from the earthen elements. 

 

Barry waited for an opening, charging a ball of lightning in his palms. He was analytical by nature, always looking for the best way to solve things, and usually succeeding. He noted that there were several injured creatures practically all lined up to his right, taking damage from Lup’s reckless spells.

 

“Hey, I got these guys!” He called, and thrust his hands out, leading the lightning forwards. Like a beam, it struck through them, obliterating them to dust in an instant. His previously tense shoulders relaxed as his face lit up with pride, knowing that he had taken out a good chunk of enemies. In his moment of triumph, however, he was caught off guard. He didn’t even have the time to cry out as a boulder slammed into his side, knocking him back against a wall with the force that he couldn’t calculate.

 

“Aw, shit!” Merle rushed to his side. “Hey, stay awake, buddy, I gotcha.”

 

There were several sharp pains in his chest that intensified when he inhaled. He coughed out a small amount of blood, his vision growing increasingly blurry. “Fuck.”

 

“Yeah, I hear ya.” Merle’s right hand lit with a golden light and touched his shoulder. Recovery was slow, steady; easing like a weight being lifted off him. 

 

He panted as he got up, feeling just right as he did before he got hurt. “Thanks.”

 

“‘S no problem. Now c’mon, we’re far from-”

 

“YOU TWO! WATCH IT!” 

 

That was the moment that time seemed to freeze. A being made of stalactite loomed over them, raising two gargantuan, rocky fists above the cleric, fearing no repercussions that might overtake it when it slammed them down. Barry watched in horror as it did so, backing away slower than he should have, considering what was about to happen. The ground shook immensely, but it didn’t even cross his mind. He was far too stuck in the moment.

 

Someone came bounding and crashing into him, throwing them both away from the danger right as the creature’s fists came down. Barry was stunned and dizzy, apparently forgetting everything surrounding him at the time. But it hit him eventually that he was in an unsafe situation, just in time for even more force to come crumbling down upon the remaining crew members.

 

At this point, they’d been mostly desensitized to death- watching it, at least- so it took him an even longer time to realize the events that had taken place in the last few seconds.

 

The cavern’s opening had caved in, somehow sparing him and who he now recognized was Lup sprawled across his body. He was breathing hard, feeling like he was somewhere far away, watching this unfold. The ringing in his ears was unbearable.

 

Lup rose. “Oh god, oh god,” she repeated, scrambling to the scene of destruction ahead. She nudged some boulders over to the best of her ability, frantic yet hopeful. It was a lost cause, however. Barry could see the lifeless body beneath the rocks from where he sat.

 

“Shit!” Lup rubbed at her eyes. “Barry, get over here.”

 

He didn’t want to, but saying no to Lup was a death wish. Every limb in his body was trembling as he fled to her. He wasn’t particularly squeamish, being a necromancer and all, so the sight of a dead, bloodied body didn’t bother him as much as it bothered most. The thing that upset him was the person that the body belonged to. Spending a decade or two with the same people really makes you get attached to them.

 

-

 

“Ow!” Lup winced, inhaling sharply through her teeth.

 

Barry lifted the cloth off her arm and gave her a disappointed look. “You want this to heal or what?” He was  _ not _ having it today.

 

She groaned. That was all the answer he needed.

 

He wasn’t particularly well-versed in medical training; he only knew basic first aid. That was a requirement for the mission. But Lup’s arm was gashed and bleeding like hell, and he wasn’t about to just stand there while she suffered. Still, he wasn’t exactly in the best mood at the moment, and he hadn’t been all week. Every day felt like it got shittier by the second.

 

“I thought we agreed to stay here,” Barry said, looking downwards as he started unwinding the bandages.

 

“I can fuckin’ handle myself, Hallwinter,” she jabbed. His eyes grew wide, as he was not used to anyone but the captain calling him by his last name.  _ She must be angry _ , he thought.

 

“And here I am patching you up.”

 

Lup gave him a death glare and he resisted the temptation to smirk back at her. He ended up keeping a straight face. She had a temper like a fierce thunderstorm with ravaging winds. He was surprised that she hadn’t lost her mind yet.

 

“You didn’t have to,” she mumbled. 

 

He nearly snapped right there; “ _ Fine! _ ” he would’ve said, in a fit of anger. “ _ Do it yourself then! _ ” Barry was better than that. Of course he  _ cared _ about Lup, they were partners in science (and sometimes crime), bound to stick together in their field of study. Her behavior just pissed him off, that was all. 

 

“I made a promise to keep us safe. It’s literally the least I can do.”

 

“You’re kind of an asshole sometimes.”

 

“Speak for yourself,” he finished wrapping her wound, then quickly stood up and headed to his room. He didn’t hear Lup follow.

 

There was something about the both of them that had changed. Maybe it was the constant threat of death at their backs, or the fact that they were going crazy on this dumb ship without the rest of the crew, or… something. He didn’t know, he wasn’t sure he even cared. 

 

But there was… something that ate away at him.

 

There was a certain way Lup looked at him lately and he wasn't sure how to feel about it. Her eyes were bright, glowing like the galaxies he’d observed every year. She was almost lost on him, wandering, but not trying to locate a map or even a specific location. It was such a curious feeling. He wanted to understand it more than any other mystery on this damn mission, because he realized he’d been staring the same way back at her. 

 

Elves are typically people with sharper features; slanted eyebrows, pointed chins, almond-shaped eyes and long, straight noses. But Lup- and her brother- were different. She was soft, with a gentle touch to her, her irises gleamed with magic rather than the devilish eyes that other elves had. He liked he way she looked in the sun, dark skin shining under the amber sky, the breeze ever-so-slightly pushing her hair away from her eyes and framing her rounded face. Everything about her was perfect and beautiful, right down to her obnoxiously loud laughter.

 

God dammit. He was falling for her.

 

If there was one thing Barry was exceptional at, it was loving. He clung to nearly everyone he met, probably some effect of his childhood traumas, and worshipped nearly every crush he’s ever had. None of them had ended well. 

 

It didn’t help that Lup was entirely out of his league. Lup was the fire that burned down his mother’s hometown, the frequent chaos that ravaged the deserts out West, the gunpowder that fired from every gun from all the wars that were waged in the North. She was bright and burning and everything wild in the world. Barry? He was nothing. He was a rock that failed to skip across a lake, the death and bad luck that seemed to follow him everywhere he went, no matter what he did. He was his own burden.

 

_ Now _ what was he going to do?

 

He got out his journal from the drawer in his nightstand. 

 

“ _ Dear journal: this is the end. Again. I think I’m falling in love _ .”

 

-

 

_ “Oh, hazelnut- what did we say about fighting your peers?” _

 

_ Lup kicked her feet back and forth and refused to make eye contact. “Sorry, Auntie.” _

 

_ Her aunt folded her arms, that ever-feared look of disappointment on her aged face. “Tsk, tsk. What was it about this time?” _

 

_ Lup mumbled incoherently, apparently deeply ashamed of herself now that her aunt knew she was in trouble. _

 

_ “I said,” she repeated sternly, “what was it about, Lulu?” _

 

_ “Jus’ some stupid kid gettin’ in my way,” she pouted. _

 

_ Her aunt shook her head. “How so?” _

 

_ Lup groaned. “He was hangin’ out with Mia when I wanted to! She’s my friend!” _

 

_ “Dearie, that’s not how friendship works. You need to let people be themselves sometimes, understood?” _

 

_ “Yes ma’am,” Lup muttered. Her aunt took a seat next to her on the bed and stroked her back gently. _

 

_ “I’m sure you two can play some other time, okay?” _

 

_ “But I like her, Auntie! I like her a whole lot.” _

 

_ She laughed, a raspiness in her voice. “Ah, so that’s what it is.” _

 

_ Lup’s face went bright red. “Huh?” _

 

_ “I think you have a crush on your friend.” _

 

_ “Nuh-uh! No way!” Lup shook her head furiously. “That’s gross!” _

 

_ “Love is a beautiful thing, hazelnut,” she tucked some of Lup’s wild hair behind her ear sincerely. “I was just like you once, did you know that?” _

 

_ “No, ma’am.” _

 

_ “I fell in love with a beautiful woman many years ago. We were almost soulmates, her and I.” _

 

_ “Soulmates…?” Lup asked. _

 

_ “Destined to be together, a perfect match.” _

 

_ “Where is she, Auntie?” _

 

_ There was a sigh she let out that held great sorrow and a sense of loss. It was a sigh that only the old would understand and empathize with, for they had lived the longest and lost the most. “She was a human, dear. They don’t live very long.” _

 

_ “Oh,” Lup looked towards the ground, but quickly perked up and tugged on her aunt’s sleeve. “Do I have a soulmate, Auntie?” _

 

_ She chuckled. “Maybe. You’ll have to see. Now go clean up for dinner.” _

 

A knock at her door woke her up from her evening nap. Her joints were stiff and ached as she stretched out.

 

“Who’s it?” She called, voice still muffled from sleep.

 

“It’s your shift,” Barry answered. Lup groaned loudly, regretting even trying to wake up. She should’ve just pretended to be asleep so he’d take her job. But she got up anyways; after all, they were in this fight together. She didn’t want to let him down even if they had their disagreements.

 

The sun was about to set over the horizon, and she had the perfect view of it from the cockpit. The pilot’s seat was clearly built for someone at least half her size, but she took comfort in the tight space, feeling safer than she would have if the chamber was larger. By her own description, she was “anti-claustrophobic.” Lup’s fingers drummed over the joysticks and the dashboard, anxious to get going.

 

It was so unfortunate that this world was so cruel. For all it was worth, it was quite extraordinary. There were trees the size of skyscrapers and the cities were built from iridescent crystals that reflected light like prisms.  _ Lucretia would’ve loved it _ , she thought. She  _ loved _ traveling, sightseeing, finding new places, and meeting new people despite her social anxiety. Lup wasn’t sure she could find the right words to describe the wonders of this world; she wasn’t as good at prose as Lucretia was. Maybe she’d ask her to teach her how to write like that sometime. 

 

Her gentle flyby was interrupted by a sudden clash and the ship jerked violently. Her knuckles tightened their grip as she veered to try to get back on course, tilting upwards to get more height.

 

“What the fuck was that?!” Barry ran into the cockpit.

 

“I don’t know! I didn’t see anything!” They were hit again at that moment, and Barry almost fell over.

 

“Oh god, we’re under attack,” he pulled out his wand of sculpted bone and hurried to the main deck. “You keep flying, I- I can handle this.”

 

She simply nodded and continued to maneuver the ship, taking sharp turns and dipping down then back up again, trying to confuse the enemy. It wasn’t long before the clouds parted and she saw the attacker- a gathering of outraged warlocks, staves outstretched and glowing with raw magical energy. Lup suddenly wished the Starblaster had any actual blasters.

 

-

 

In a shocking turn on events, Lup was now the one patching up her accomplice. He couldn’t complain, although she had gotten hurt as well, because he felt like someone had beat him with a stick at least 200 times. Not the best feeling ever. He was glad that it was at least calmer now- they managed to land themselves somewhere isolated after everything had gone down. 

 

Lup finished wiping the blood of Barry’s face. “Sorry,” she said quietly.

 

“What do you have to be sorry for?”

 

“Being a dick, I guess,” she shrugged.

 

Barry rubbed a thumb over her knuckles. “I’m sorry too.”

 

“You weren’t  _ nearly _ as bad as I was, Bar.”

 

“No, no, it’s fine. I was an asshole too. But, really, it wasn’t your fault, either.”

 

“Yes, it was.” 

 

“No,” he repeated himself. “It wasn’t either of our faults. I know how much death can change someone.” The look he presented on his face was probably a bit darker than he intended, because Lup immediately became concerned.

 

“Are you… are you okay?”

 

He sighed. “I’m fine. I’ll be fine.” It was the truth, at least partly. 

 

“That’s a little white lie, isn’t it?” Lup asked. “I’ve been rubbing off on you too much.” 

 

“Okay, a little bit,” he chuckled; they shared a smile. “I dunno. Sometimes I feel like I’m cursed, y’know?”

 

Lup shifted. “How so?”

 

“I never knew my dad. All my extended relatives were killed in a bombing. My mom passed away peacefully after I moved out. Death just… follows me.”

 

Despite looking incredibly heartbroken, Lup cracked a joke. “Didn’t they tell you that in the necromancy 101 pamphlet?”

 

Barry laughed. “God, okay, I guess that’s fair. I really don’t wanna kill the mood.”

 

“It’s fine, I promise.”


	5. the remnants of a forgotten place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a few moments of peacefulness within the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for mentions of drowning, alcohol, and some heavily implied things that aren't so safe for work. i wasnt sure where to end this one but its gonna get heavy soon

All Barry could see was pitch blackness. It’s funny; he thought he’d been in the dimmest, darkest places to exist, and he thought he had known what true abyss looked like, but he seemed to be proven wrong. But, if things couldn’t get any weirder, he could see his hands in front of himself as clear as day. So his first conclusion of just being in a very, very,  _ very  _ lightless room was out of the equation.

 

He stood up. The ground, or lack thereof, was inky water that pooled up to his ankles. His eyes went narrow in confusion as he took the most cautious steps he’d ever taken.

 

“Hello…?” he called in a timid, quiet voice. No response. Well, it’s not like he expected one, that’s fine. “Hello?” he said again, despite himself. 

 

“Where are you?” a disembodied voice asked. It was a voice that filled his heart with longing and his eyes become watery. The voice was feminine; just the right amount of raspy. Soft and warm, comforting to the ears, a voice he’d heard all his life when he felt troubled.

 

“Ma?” Barry became frantic, his wary steps becoming quicker by the second. “Mama, where are you?” his eyes darted everywhere, searching the black void like a madman, to no avail.

 

“I’m home, dear, I’m home.”

 

“That doesn’t make sense! Home is- it’s gone, y-you’re dead!” he ran in another direction, even though the voice seemed to be coming from everywhere. 

 

The singing of a thousand universes consumed the abyss at once, honing a light brighter than any supernova he’d ever hope to witness. 

 

_ DARKNESS WILL BEFALL UPON THE ONES YOU HOLD DEAR _

 

The water was rising and tossing like a hurricane.

 

_ YOU CANNOT RUN AWAY FROM YOUR FEARS ANYMORE _

 

It was almost to his chest now.

 

_ YOU ARE THE FLEETING DOVE, WEAK AND TIMID, FLYING FROM THE STORM _

 

It was over his head.

 

_ YOUR LOVE WILL DESTROY YOU _

 

It filled his lungs, everything inside of him burning with desire for even the smallest gulp of air, and-

 

Barry breathed in like he had been holding his breath for a decade and sat upright in an instant. He was sort of calm, at least calmer than before, but that serenity went away when he saw the glowing beady eyes staring at him from the doorway, shrouded by the dark of the night. It took everything he had in him to hold back a terrified scream, but he recognized the silhouette almost instantly before he had the chance to do so.

 

“Aw, shit, did I scare you?” Lup whispered.

 

Barry was still trying to catch his breath and quickly blink away fresh tears. “N-no. No, it’s- I’m- everything's fine.” Clearly a lie. He knew Lup could see right through him- after all, they've known each other for 19 odd years. “Why are you…?”

 

“I, uh, heard you thrashing and screaming. Taako gets night terrors like that a lot so I just… figured you could use some help.”

 

He rubbed his face, which was soaked from both sweat and tears. “Oh, god. I was  _ screaming? _ ”

 

Lup sat in the empty spot next to him. “Well, kinda. Um, I dunno,” her voice catches in her throat. “It was more like talking in your sleep. And you sounded like you were struggling a bit.”

 

“Yeah,” he ran a trembling hand through his messy curls. “It wasn't a fun time.”

 

“Do you need to talk about it?” she asked, and he noticed just how much of a story her eyes told. They were luminous in the dark, and her eyelids hung low, dark circles mostly visible. 

 

“U-um,” Barry stuttered. He had a running theme in his nightmares, apparently; he remembered when he was a kid, there were frequent nights where he’d wake up screaming after imagining himself drowning in a blackened ocean. His mother would come to his aid every time- she was practically nocturnal, so it was no issue- and they'd stay up together, talking about their problems and drinking tea. He missed her more than ever now. 

 

“It’s okay if it’s too hard,” Lup assured him.

 

He smiled weakly, his shoulders relaxing as he took deeper breaths. “No, it’s alright. Uh… it was just… pitch black. I heard my mom calling to me and I was running everywhere to find her- and I’m really not sure what happened at the end of it, to be honest. There was just this ominous monologue about how I was gonna die or some shit, and then I drowned.”

 

Lup stared into the distance contemplatively, clicking her tongue. “Huh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Well, um, if it’s any consolation to you, uh- I’d be willing to… um… I dunno- This is really weird- can I like, cuddle? With you?”

 

If Barry weren’t so frenzied and tired, he’d be redder than an old white man’s sunburn in the middle of July. “Uh.”

 

“Like, not… not in a romantic way, or anything, I dunno. It usually helps Taako, if that makes sense?”

 

He nodded, scooting over. He wanted to think he was calm enough to sleep without the help of someone else, but that was hardly true. His heart was still beating fast and he just couldn't get his breathing to steady. Lup got under the covers next to him awkwardly. They did nothing more than lie still with their backs to each other, neither of them trying to sleep. Barry couldn't, anyways. His memories were still fresh in his mind.

 

Lup broke the silence by turning around and facing his back. “How long are we gonna pretend to be asleep?”

 

Barry sighed. “I don't know.” He turned to face her, finally. She was quite blurry without the help of his glasses.

 

“Hey, uh, have you been okay lately? I’ve just noticed you’re more shut off than usual.”

 

He avoided eye contact. “I guess not.” Last cycle had been rougher than usual- he, Lucretia, and Merle were kidnapped and held hostage for months and it left them all particularly shaken and paranoid afterwards. This cycle wasn't the best, either. Magnus had fallen ill to a deadly plague and died a slow, painful death, and the crew had to remain in an airborne stasis on the ship at almost all times just to stay safe. 

 

“Times are hard ‘n stuff,” he mumbled, his voice muffled as he buried it in the sheets.

 

“Hey,” Lup cooed. Her voice was the most comforting thing in the world right now, and probably ever. “We’re all in this together, okay?”

 

“I know,” he said, but he didn't sound like he meant it.

 

“Hush. C’mere,” she beckoned him for a hug, and he hesitantly obliged. She was… warm. Warmer than anyone else he’d ever had the privilege of touching. He was almost certain her body heat was at least partially artificial. The feeling of his face pressed to her chest and her arms wrapped securely around him felt so… right. He could be like this for eternity. God, he wishes- he wants to-  _ he needs to _ -

 

They  _ belong _ together.

 

His crush isn't going fucking anywhere.

 

-

 

Year 19 was rather relaxing. The civilizations were built beneath glorious cherry blossom canopies next to rivers with crystal blue water and brightly colored koi, and the people were just as lively. They were typically short in stature- most of their population consisted of dwarves, gnomes, and halflings- dressing in bright red and gold clothing and elegant robes. The crew was welcomed with a grand celebration, everyone gathered at the city center to dance as wonderful foreign music played and delightful feasts were consumed. Each crew member had even been suited with a robe of their own.

 

Right now, they were gathered at an afternoon beach party and Lup wanted to spend all her time getting wasted. The alcohol on this planet was fucking  _ spectacular _ . 

 

Lucretia sat down next to her at a small table off to the side of the party, where most of the crew was playing volleyball. She had a drink of her own to match Lup’s.

 

“Hello,” she greeted, smiling warmly. She was shimmering under the brightness of the sun.

 

“Heyyy.” Lup replied.

 

“You look like you’re having fun,” Lucretia giggled.

 

“Oh, Lucy- Creesha, you have noooo fuckin’...  _ Idea _ . You have no idea.”

 

She spun the pinkish liquid in her glass. “Is this really that strong?”

 

“No, no,” Lup laughed. “Nooo, this is like… my fifth one.”

 

“Holy shit. Are you good?”

 

“Never been better, baby!” her voice cracked delightfully. “Woooo, I’m on cloud fuckin’ nine!”

 

Lucretia laughed lightly and looked toward the scene of the action. Taako was cheating by using mage hand to lift the ball over the net, and Magnus was promptly calling him out on it. Barry was laughing so hard he had to hold his stomach.

 

Lup didn't realize she was staring.

 

Lucretia, however, did.

 

“Lu, what are you…? Are you spacing out or something? Do you need help?”

 

Lup leaned on her hand, looking on dreamily. “Lucretia… oh, I am so in love.”

 

“Oh, no. The last time you said that while drunk we had to pull you out of a dragon’s lair, we are not doing that again.”

 

“I don't think Barry’s a dragon.”

 

Lucretia’s eyes went wide. “Oh, you’re-?  _ That's _ who you've been making bedroom eyes at?”

 

“Don’t be so mean! Ugh, he’s like, so sweet, he cares so much about- like, everything, and he’s a huge dork and sometimes he cries when he reads fuckin’... astronomy textbooks, like, I dunno- also, he looks really good in those shorts. Holy  _ fuck _ .”

 

“Oh, boy.”

 

“He’s like-  _ okay _ , typically he isn't conventionally attractive, but like, god. His eyes are so perfect and he’s got a super round face and- oh my god, don't even get me started on that bod, his thighs are so goddamn perfect-”

 

“Lup.”

 

“-I swear to fuckin’ Pan, I'd literally kill to make out with him. That'd be so good. Like, look at him, he is  _ such _ a bottom, I wouldn't even have to  _ try _ pinning him-”

 

“ _ Lup _ .”

 

“...what?”

 

“You got it bad. Really bad.” Lucretia took a shot.

 

Lup drank as well. “Uh-huuuuh. I know. I dunno if I’m gonna do anythin’ about it, ‘cause I dunno if he likes me back- like, okay this is gonna sound stupid, but he’s out of my league.”

 

“Whaaat?” Lucretia raised a brow.

 

“Yeah! Okay, so, I’m kind of a dumbass-”

 

“You are not.”

 

“Yah-huh! Anyways, he’s really smart and shit. And I bet he probably talks about science during sex. I got no clue. But, uh, yeah. I got no brains on him.”

 

“Well, you are smart, so you’re incorrect on that part, and another thing: have you  _ met _ him? I don't think I've ever met anyone with worse self esteem issues. He probably thinks you're out of  _ his _ league.”

 

She looked at him again, and now he was wrestling (and losing) with Magnus while Taako cheered them on. Barry was still laughing.

 

“No way.”

 

“ _ Yes _ way.”

 

“Oh, come on, Lucyyyy-”

 

Lucretia put a hand on Lup’s, lowering the drink she was holding. “I think you need to take a break from this. Alright? Let’s go get something to eat.”

 

Lup begrudgingly put her drink down and followed Lucretia to the little snacks table they had set up- and she didn’t want to admit it, but Lup had a lot of trouble walking there. Magnus bounded over not too long after with the other boys following behind him. The snacks, once untouched, were about to become ravished.

 

“Hey, Lulu! Where’s the drinks!” Magnus called.

 

Lup wasn’t sure who he was talking to, but she answered anyways. “The- table over there- by the, uh, um…”

 

“Got it!” He said, leaving in the incredibly vague direction she was pointing.

 

The sun was close to setting after everyone had their fill. The sky was a wonderful mix of purple and orange and yellow, reflecting gently on the ocean's surface. Lucretia sat on the shore with a canvas set up in front of her, working meticulously to capture the beauty ahead.

 

Barry sat next to her with his sketchbook, trying to stir up some small talk.

 

“Hey,” he said. Lucretia smiled up at him. 

 

“Hi.”

 

He let the waves wash up against his feet, rolling lazily and calm. He never wanted to leave this place; everyone was warm and inviting, bursting full of life, kinder than most people he’s encountered. On their home planet, there was a city not too unlike this place. He’s only been there twice, and on very special occasions, but it was nearly a spitting image, right down to the streams and cherry blossoms.

 

“That’s, um, a really nice painting.”

 

Her face flushed. “Oh! Thank you, this view is just… not to sound cheesy or anything, but it really is just stunning.” She let out a sigh that drowned in nostalgia. “It’s almost like home, isn’t it?”

 

_ Yeah _ , he thought. It had been 19 years since they saw home- almost two goddamn decades. Two horrible, painful, decades on a ship with coworkers, running from a threat they don’t understand. And yet, he still remembered it like it was yesterday- hot summer days spent walking through endless fields, picking raspberries from wild bushes and coming home to make jam with his mother; winters they spent inside their cottage in the woods, huddled up in hand-made quilts with the best damn hot cocoa anyone could ever dream of. 

 

“It reminds me of, uh… Machsia, yeah. Like on the western beaches.”

 

“Yeah! God, I  _ loved _ that place. My mother used to take us up there every spring for the equinox festival and they just had the most wonderful marketplaces… have you tried the lemonade there?”

 

“I haven’t. What’s it like?”

 

“It was, like, a very pale pink, and they put little blossoms on top of the ice, and they always put those tiny little toothpick umbrellas in it.”

 

He laughed. “Wish I could’ve gone there more. I… I wish I had gone to a lot of places more.”

 

The sun was no longer visible, but the color remained in the sky for just a minute more. A cool breeze blew over his skin. Lucretia put her painting supplies up and leaned her head on his shoulder.

 

“I remember, before we were supposed to leave for our- um, our mission, my cousin was supposed to graduate the day after we left. I got so upset that I couldn’t see him there, but,” she giggled lightly, “but he wanted me to achieve my dreams more. I practically grew up with him and his siblings, I- I loved them more than anything. We used to want to be astronauts when we were young; I wanted to go on a space trip with him.”

 

He sighed. “Well, you- you kind of got there, didn’t you?”

 

“I suppose. Sometimes when we’re flying over the atmospheres of different planets, I just look out into space and think about another reality where things are… different. Where we both embarked together, doing science and looking at the stars. A reality where I could hold his hand again and then we’d leave with the knowledge that our family and homes would be waiting for us with open arms.”

 

“I think about that too, sometimes.”

 

She looked up with weary eyes. “What did you want to do before this?”

 

“A lot of things, a-actually. When I was a kid, um, I always went to the library to read medical textbooks. I wanted to be a doctor like my grandfather before he- uh, kicked the bucket.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be. I didn’t have any family left by the time I was picked for the mission. I was just that kid that sat in the back and never talked, not even to give answers- I didn’t really, uh, bond with other people very much. But now we’re stuck together and I’m not really sure who I am anymore.”

 

Lucretia sat back up, but kept a hand on his shoulder. “I think I know who you are, Barry.”

 

“Y-you do?” his face went red, almost.

 

“I don’t think you can see it, but, you’re a very kind person when you want to be. Not a lot of people work as hard and as much as you do and still have the energy to care for other people.”

 

“ _ You think I’m nice? _ ” he didn’t say. 

 

“Th-thank you, Lucy,” he did say.

 

“No problem.”

 

-

 

Magnus barreled into the ship, slamming the “close” button on the drop door over and over again, even though he knew that wouldn’t make it go up any faster.

 

“Hey, watch that thing, don’t break it!” Merle called from his spot at the table, reading some newspaper he picked up in town. Despite everyone’s multiple scoldings, Magnus still always managed to break  _ something _ on the ship, whether he intended to or not.

 

“Sorry,” he panted. “I just- I don’t think those farmers are very fond of me.”

 

The sound of metal clanging reverberated around the room as something hit the ship’s armor. Lup looked up from her cooking immediately.

 

“Maggie, what the fuck did you do this time?”

 

“I didn’t do anything, I swear it!” The commotion outside suggested otherwise. 

 

Taako folded his arms; same shit as always. “Where’s team nerd to be the voice of reason here?”

 

“Lucy’s taking a nap, but-”

 

As if she was summoned, Lucretia stumbled out from her room to meet the rest of them, her undone hair spiraling all over the place. “What did Magnus do this time?” she yawned.

 

“Why do you guys always blame me for this stuff!?” he cried indignantly. “It was Barry’s fault anyways, I-”

 

“Don’t go pointing fingers at the nerdy kid, Magpie,” Merle said.

 

“But it’s true! They’re chasing both of us because he decided to show off that weird death magic in front of them.”

 

Lup squinted. There could be some truth to that statement, sure, but this was Magnus fucking Burnsides they were talking about. She couldn’t recall a single time where he ever told both sides of one story. “Okay, where is he then?”

 

“Outside still.”

 

“Outside with the mob that has torches and pitchforks?! Magnus, what the hell is wrong with you?” she stormed to the drop door, preparing for an onslaught if there happened to be one, and, well- she was wrong about the torches part, but the pitchfork part was pretty on spot. There certainly was a mob, and in the middle of it was her dear denim-clad friend. The ruckus stopped almost instantly as she looked over them.

 

“Okay, I’m gonna need an explanation  _ yesterday _ . What’s going on?”

 

An elderly woman pointed at Barry, who was being held still by two men. “He blew up our fields!”

 

She rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Barry-”

 

“I didn’t! I-I-I mean technically I k-kind of did, b-but it was Magnus’ fault! Now they think I’m some kind of w-witch!”

 

“Burn him!” exclaimed a stranger in the back of the group. The crowd cheered in unison.

 

“Shut up,” Lup demanded, and they all did. “I trust you to tell me the right story. What happened?”

 

“I was trying to g-get some negotiations worked out, and he came with, a-a-and while we were walking he f-fucking jumpscared me and I accidentally cast a spell or something- I don’t know, I-I’m sorry, I can f-fix it-”

 

“Okay, well, obviously it’s  _ both _ of your faults, and he’s also not a fucking witch, you guys. Cut it out.”

 

The mob looked shameful and let him go, grumbling as they left. Barry rubbed his arm as he stepped into the ship, looking just as embarrassed as everyone else. Lup wasn’t mad, of course. Well, okay, she  _ kind of  _ was. Those townsfolk were the key to earning the trust of this world’s monarch, who currently had the light to themself, and now Magnus just blew their chances to get it. They’d have to start over from the top.

 

“We’ll try again tomorrow,” Lup grumbled. She was  _ not _ looking forward to that exchange.

 

“Sorry, I thought we had it,” Barry apologized for the millionth time in the past few minutes.

 

Merle waved his hand nonchalantly. “Eh, don’t sweat it, kid.”

 

Magnus admitted defeat. “No, it’s my fault. I'll go fix it tomorrow.”

 

“Never thought you'd say that, Magpie,” Taako laughed.

  
“Whatever, man.”


End file.
